I’m wondering if you’ll forgive me while I have a little bit of a mommy moment on my blog this morning. You see, I came home from my conference last weekend, to a nearly empty schedule. It’s been a while since my life has been that calm. Exhausted from the last few months I had a chance to focus on Lizzie while the boys are at school. It’s been just me and her and it’s changed something inside me. My heart has been so full of love for her. The kind of love that I haven’t felt in a while.
Before you start thinking that I am a crappy mom that doesn’t love her children let me back up. 8 1/2 years ago I gave birth to my first baby. I loved my little Caleb boy with all my heart and I knew that being a mom was going to be the most amazing thing I accomplished. When we decided to have Carter I quit my full time job. You have to know that this was liberating. It was not easy working full time and being a mom too, but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do, you know?
Anyways, it was so great that I felt like I was the best mom in the world. My boys were amazing and well behaved. My house was always clean, and I had amazing friends. That’s the life right? It was such great life that I knew that I was ready for my third child by the time Carter was 18 months, or I thought I knew anyway.
That decision was life changing. It always is when you have a baby, but this time it was a bigger deal. Eliza cried everyday and all day. I kept telling myself it would get better but it didn’t. I remember once falling to pieces in the doctors office telling him I didn’t think I could do it another day. I went to bed every single night praying for strength and questioning “Why is this happening to me.” I literally was exhausted, depressed, and sadly the only moment I remember enjoying during her first year, was when at 6 months she finally started sucking a binky. I literally wished away her infancy, and I don’t regret doing so because it was the hardest years of my life.
It eventually would get better. But there is no doubt she is still my most difficult child. I love her with all my heart. I really do I swear. Everyday with her is hard, but everyday she does something to melt me, to make me remember that it’s all worth it. This week as I have played with her, read to her, and sometimes just snuggled with her I realized that I want to be done wishing away the hard times.
I know it sucks when she screams at me for putting her pants on the wrong way. It hurts my feelings when she says she doesn’t love me, and sometimes I want to cry when she won’t eat her breakfast if it’s placed properly on her plate. But I’ll take those moments because in between them are moments like when she kisses my forehead and says “I wuv you mommy” or like yesterday when she watched me paint a cat face on myself and told me that I was “the most bootiful kitty in the wuld”. My heart changed this week and I’m glad it did.