Category Archives: Not So Picture Perfect

A Mommy Moment

I’m wondering if you’ll forgive me while I have a little bit of a mommy moment on my blog this morning. You see, I came home from my conference last weekend, to a nearly empty schedule.  It’s been a while since my life has been that calm.  Exhausted from the last few months I had a chance to focus on Lizzie while the boys are at school.  It’s been just me and her and it’s changed something inside me. My heart has been so full of love for her.  The kind of love that I haven’t felt in a while.

Before you start thinking that I am a crappy mom that doesn’t love her children let me back up. 8 1/2 years ago I gave birth to my first baby.  I loved my little Caleb boy with all my heart and I knew that being a mom was going to be the most amazing thing I accomplished.  When we decided to have Carter I quit my full time job.  You have to know that this was liberating.  It was not easy working full time and being a mom too, but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do, you know?

Anyways, it was so great that I felt like I was the best mom in the world.  My boys were amazing and well behaved.  My house was always clean, and I had amazing friends.  That’s the life right?  It  was such great life that I knew that I was ready for my third child by the time Carter was 18 months, or I thought I knew anyway.

That decision was life changing.  It always is when you have a baby, but this time it was a bigger deal.  Eliza cried everyday and all day.  I kept telling myself it would get better but it didn’t.  I remember once falling to pieces in the doctors office telling him I didn’t think I could do it another day.  I went to bed every single night praying for strength and questioning “Why is this happening to me.”  I literally was exhausted, depressed, and sadly the only moment I remember enjoying during her first year, was when at 6 months she finally started sucking a binky.  I literally wished away her infancy, and I don’t regret doing so because it was the hardest years of my life.

It eventually would get better.  But there is no doubt she is still my most difficult child.  I love her with all my heart.  I really do I swear.  Everyday with her is hard, but everyday she does something to melt me, to make me remember that it’s all worth it.  This week as I have played with her, read to her, and sometimes just snuggled with her  I realized that I want to be done wishing away the hard times.

I know it sucks when she screams at me for putting her pants on the wrong way.  It hurts my feelings when she says she doesn’t love me, and sometimes I want to cry when she won’t eat her breakfast if it’s placed properly on her plate.  But I’ll take those moments because in between them are moments like when she kisses my forehead and says “I wuv you mommy” or like yesterday when she watched me paint a cat face on myself and told me that I was “the most bootiful kitty in the wuld”.   My heart changed this week and I’m glad it did.


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The Stress of Giving People What they Want.

Today as I sat down to write this post I felt discouraged. I’ve been stressing lately thinking about what my readers want to hear about, what they want to see, and what they want to feel. Do they want bits of me, do they want tutorials, do they want fashion?

On top of that I’ve been stressing about an upcoming conference I’m teaching at. I want people to leave feelings inspired, feeling like they learned, and that they grew as an artist. I feel so much pressure to give people what they want that the fear of not doing so is making me unhappy.

In my writers/discouraged slump I opened up a blog post by the famous Taza, a friend had texted and said that she loved it and I was intrigued. As I started to read, I got a little teary. (If at this point you are wondering if I’m having hormone problems you’d probably be right). Her post was beautiful, it was thoughtful, it was just what I needed to read today. I read about her kids and how she loves the stages that they are in, how much happiness she is feeling. It was moving.

It’s not that her children’s stages move me, it’s her love for her children’s stages. It’s her admiration for her life, her journey, her purpose. She knows that she is in the right place doing the right thing for her. We all have different purposes. Whether it’s be being a  mom/dad, a fitness coach, a friend,  a do it yourself,  a listener, a budget/couponing queen, a successful business person, an artists.  There are so many things that we can be, some of them seem ordinary, some seem extraordinary  but when we enjoy the journey, to us it all  becomes extraordinary.  And isn’t that what really matters?

Taza’s post helped me realize that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if I had thousands of page views, or only a couple. What does matter is that I feel good about the stage that I’m in and that I enjoy my journey.

Joy in the Journey

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Progress Report

So remember when I told you last week that I’ve been getting up at 5am? I’m ready to give you a progress report. I’m still rockin’ it. I will  however admit that since I’m getting so much done in the mornings, I’m finding myself a tad bored in the early afternoons.

I’m used to taking care of three kids and a business, so this “work already done and only one child at home” business is kinda shocking. Here’s a little glance at ways we are filling the time compliments of my iPhone:

We went shopping.  Eliza talked me into a fur vest, and she loves it.  She thinks she is a kitty.  I bought a scarf!  This shouldn’t be such a big deal except it’s pretty much the first time I’ve ever worn a scarf.  I always felt it made me look bulky, but it must be something about the season, because I’m loving it.

I had a talk with Eliza about how Mommy’s a blogger now.  And bloggers need pictures that impress people.  She didn’t really care about me and my desire to impress people.  So I cut off her glaring eyes, and will only show you her impressive pouty lips.

I bought the book Elevate the Everyday last winter.  I hadn’t had a chance to look through until now.  It’s good.  For sure if you are beginning your journey into photography you should pick it up.  Especially if your goal is to photograph your daily life with your kids.

It did give me some good perspective about how to train myself to find joy in the small but important parts of my day. Like Eliza twirling for example.  Normally I wouldn’t be ok with a blurry picture of a tutu wearing princess, but today I am. (Oh and don’t judge my fingernails, I’m a nail biter and for some reason I’ve been particularly bad lately. #totallygross)

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