A Mommy Moment

I’m wondering if you’ll forgive me while I have a little bit of a mommy moment on my blog this morning. You see, I came home from my conference last weekend, to a nearly empty schedule.  It’s been a while since my life has been that calm.  Exhausted from the last few months I had a chance to focus on Lizzie while the boys are at school.  It’s been just me and her and it’s changed something inside me. My heart has been so full of love for her.  The kind of love that I haven’t felt in a while.

Before you start thinking that I am a crappy mom that doesn’t love her children let me back up. 8 1/2 years ago I gave birth to my first baby.  I loved my little Caleb boy with all my heart and I knew that being a mom was going to be the most amazing thing I accomplished.  When we decided to have Carter I quit my full time job.  You have to know that this was liberating.  It was not easy working full time and being a mom too, but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do, you know?

Anyways, it was so great that I felt like I was the best mom in the world.  My boys were amazing and well behaved.  My house was always clean, and I had amazing friends.  That’s the life right?  It  was such great life that I knew that I was ready for my third child by the time Carter was 18 months, or I thought I knew anyway.

That decision was life changing.  It always is when you have a baby, but this time it was a bigger deal.  Eliza cried everyday and all day.  I kept telling myself it would get better but it didn’t.  I remember once falling to pieces in the doctors office telling him I didn’t think I could do it another day.  I went to bed every single night praying for strength and questioning “Why is this happening to me.”  I literally was exhausted, depressed, and sadly the only moment I remember enjoying during her first year, was when at 6 months she finally started sucking a binky.  I literally wished away her infancy, and I don’t regret doing so because it was the hardest years of my life.

It eventually would get better.  But there is no doubt she is still my most difficult child.  I love her with all my heart.  I really do I swear.  Everyday with her is hard, but everyday she does something to melt me, to make me remember that it’s all worth it.  This week as I have played with her, read to her, and sometimes just snuggled with her  I realized that I want to be done wishing away the hard times.

I know it sucks when she screams at me for putting her pants on the wrong way.  It hurts my feelings when she says she doesn’t love me, and sometimes I want to cry when she won’t eat her breakfast if it’s placed properly on her plate.  But I’ll take those moments because in between them are moments like when she kisses my forehead and says “I wuv you mommy” or like yesterday when she watched me paint a cat face on myself and told me that I was “the most bootiful kitty in the wuld”.   My heart changed this week and I’m glad it did.

mommymoment

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4 Responses to “A Mommy Moment”
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  1. Sharon Cox

    Loved your blog today. Motherhood is so not easy but it’s so worth it for the good days! Before you know it she’ll be graduated and you can’t believe where all the time went. Cherish those moments when they still want to hug you and snuggle:-)

  2. amy stanger

    Oh, Kristin, maybe this is normal for motherhood – starting out feeling like you have it all together and that you are rockin’ this motherhood thing – house clean, children love each other, etc. and then something comes to challenge that. Lovely! ha! 🙂 I really thought I was the best, most amazing mom a few years ago. Now I’m re-figuring out what kind of mom I want to be all over again. I guess that’s the process of growing as a parent. Surely we can’t have it made right from the start. duh! (what was I thinking?) 😉 I have a theory about first daughters. They are independent and challenging as little people, but they grow up to be that amazing adult that helps you plan and execute family parties and who brings life and energy to events. They are so interesting and interested. They seem to be this strong glue that bonds the siblings together. I keep seeing this trend amongst the “oldest girl in the family” sister, cousins, friends … you are one of those! My oldest girl has also been my most difficult so far. But as she gets older she is becoming more and more of a blast! The person she is becoming is way worth those pretty emotionally exhausting first few years of thinking I could never give her everything she seemed to need. Good luck! I think you’re fabulous!

  3. Tia

    gees, i laughed and almsot cried with this post!
    mostly because i pictured you saying all of this!
    so crazy.
    apparently when mike was her age he was the same way :/
    im nervous!! hahah!!!

  4. Haley

    Fantastic post! You are such a gifted writer.

 

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